The Descendants of Tia Tanaka

I love the happy coincidences that occur in google and firefox. I have google analytics installed on this blog to count the traffic. I don’t have the analytics page bookmarked, rather I use the firefox feature of completing URLs after I type in a few letters. So to go to the analytics I type “anal” into the address box, and the google analytics page is always the first one in the list. I don’t even read it, I just highlight the first one and hit enter.

Today I accidentally typed in “anak” instead of “anal,” and clicked on the first one. What came up, instead of the analytics on this page, was a video of Tia Tanaka that I must have come across at some point! I find it fascinating that half the world is watching videos of Tia Tanaka getting DP’d (technically this is not a video of Tia Tanaka getting DP'd.  It is actually double vaginal, not one vaginal and one anal.  Some people might call that double penetration, but I do not) while the other half is reverently reading about Jesus. There is something hilarious but sad about that.

But that’s not the end of it. I got curious that “anak” would bring up something on my firefox, and typed it into google. The first result is a wikipedia page for the word “Anak”! You want to know what Anak is? It’s a word in the bible . . . in the very passage we are reading for today! In chapter 13 of Numbers, as we will see, Moses sends some scouts out to reconnoiter Canaan for a possible invasion. While there, they encounter the descendants of Anak. The Anak are . . . part of the race of Nephilim, or the giants from Genesis chapter 6!!! I just can’t believe the giants have shown up again. They are the most absurd part of the bible. I think most bible skeptics like me never read past Genesis, because I’ve never heard anyone mention them beyond chapter 6. But bible enthusiasts must likewise never read the bible all the way through, because I’ve never heard one of them mention them again either. But apparently whenever God needs to heighten the drama, he adds the Giants, because that makes the task of conquering Canaan that much harder. The Nephilim remind me of the Goons in Popeye.

So, that’s it. The Nephilim never went away. They weren’t a fluke in Genesis. They moved to Canaan where they spend their days having sex with Tia Tanaka. It’s all part of the lattice of coincidence that lays on top of everything.

Old Testament
Book Four: Numbers
The Journey from Sinai to Edom
Chapter 13: The reconnoiter of Canaan
Chapter 14: Israel’s response to the report of the spies
Chapter 15: A collection of miscellaneous cultic regulations
Chapter 16: The wilderness revolt

“It is flowing with milk and honey, and here is the fruit it grows; but its inhabitants are sturdy, and the cities are very strongly fortified; indeed we saw there the descendants of Tia Tanaka.” —Num.13.27–28.

We get the first whiff of Jesus, way back here in Numbers! After promising for 150 pages, God is finally beginning the very first gestures toward giving Canaan to Israel. He tells Moses to get a leader from each of the twelve tribes to go explore Canaan. From the tribe of Ephraim goes Hoshea son of Nun. Moses for no apparent reason calls the son of Nun Joshua not Hoshea. The notes say that the culmination of this story happens in the book of Joshua, where it reaches its climax. The note says that Hoshea and Joshua come from the same verb in Hebrew. Hoshea means “save”; Joshua means “the Lord saves.”

This is an interesting, I think powerful, little moment. God of course has been promising things all along. But this little episode has a very different quality from anything that has come before. Up until now everything has been overt—God promising, God getting mad, God murdering, and so on. This moment has a real Exorcist quality to it. Moses does something random, way before there is any apparent reason for it. Yet we find out in 100 pages that Moses knew all along. I find this kind of stuff, where Moses knew something, or even did something without knowing why, way more creepy than God getting mad. It’s the first moment where God is working mysteriously. I like it. Of course they just inserted this after Joshua leads them into Canaan, but whatever, this kind of invisible hand of God is far more enticing than the asshole that comes down in a pillar of fire.

So, the note says, “Jesus” is a much later form of the name “Joshua”! That’s very interesting!

Caleb alone of the twelve told Moses let’s go, we can win! The rest of the spies say, No! We can’t! The land is full of giants!

The Israelite community is becoming more and more annoying, almost as annoying now as God. When they hear what the spies said, they cry again that they left the slavery of Egypt at all; they would have been better off there. Moses and Aaron say no, no, God will provide. We’ll be fine. Then God gets mad again, “Moses, how much longer will this people treat me with contempt? How much longer will they refuse to trust me in spite of all the signs I have shown among them? I will strike them with pestilence.” That sentence is amazing. He says why do they hate me and I’m going to kill them all in the same breath. I don’t even understand the childishness of God here. Moses told them to go out and explore Canaan, so that’s what they did, and they faithfully reported on what they saw. What is wrong with that? How is that betraying God? You understand what God is saying here? He wants them to LIE for him, and they betrayed him by being truthful. So NOW God has an excuse to let them all die and fail to live up to his promise. Then, he has the gall to ask why no one trusts him!

Oh the end of this story is hilarious. God kills all the men who made bad reports. Then because of what God did the Israelites say okay okay! We will go to Canaan! Moses says, no, don’t! You’re going to get killed! And they go anyway and get killed! Which is exactly what the spies said would happen!

Chapter 15 is yet more random laws. There’s one interesting thing here. It distinguishes between “inadvertent” sin and “presumptuous” sin. For inadvertent sin, a sacrifice will expiate the sin. It’s kind of interesting. If someone in the community sins inadvertently, the whole community is responsible, and the whole community will atone. But if the crime is presumptive, then the sin rests on that person’s head alone, and that person will be cut off from the lord.

Then, just so we’re clear, an example is presented. A guy was caught gathering sticks on the Sabbath. Yes, gathering sticks on the Sabbath. The lord says to Moses, “That man must be put to death; he must be stoned by all the community outside the camp.” So they did so.

Chapter 16, then, is one more rebellion against Moses, this time by Korah, along with Dathan and Abiram. So, this is great. They challenge Moses’ authority, so he tells them what they are going to do to settle it, and he makes up something about burning incense in front of the Tent of the Presence. Dathan and Abiram have the sense to say forget it, we’re not coming. So god tells Moses to go to the tents of the three men. And Moses says, if they die naturally, then they are right. But if a chasm opens up right now and swallows them up, then they were wrong! And the chasm opens up and swallows them up!

Then the very next day the idiot Israelis start complaining again about the lord killing some of their community. So God starts a plague. Moses tells Aaron to run out and stop the plague with some incense, which Aaron does, but not before the plague kills fourteen thousand seven hundred Israelis.

This is what it means to be a slave. Following this god is like living with Kim Jong-Un.

--bibletoenail


Some notes/quotes:

“It is flowing with milk and honey, and here is the fruit it grows; but its inhabitants are sturdy, and the cities are very strongly fortified; indeed we saw there the descendants of Anak.” —Num.13.27–28.

“Moses, how much longer will this people treat me with contempt? How much longer will they refuse to trust me in spite of all the signs I have shown among them? I will strike them with pestilence.” —Num. 14.11–12.

“But the men whom Moses had sent to explore the land, and who came back and by their report set all the community complaining against him, died of the plague before the Lord; they died of the plague because they had made a bad report.” —Num. 14.36–37.