The Applie-Pie Hubbub

Old Testament
Book 1: Genesis
Joseph in Egypt (cont'd)
Chapter 43: The sons of Israel return to Egypt with Benjamin
Chapter 44: Joseph sets up his brothers again
Chapter 45: Joseph discloses his identity
Chapter 46: Jacob and his family move to Egypt


This is going to be a short entry. I just have a couple general comments to make, and one on what God is up to at this time in the bible.

First, I was thinking last night about these stories and the people who claim every word of the bible is literally true. It is an outrageous and absurd claim. We've talked about many reasons why that is so, but something new occurred to me last night, something more fundamental than some of the others. Remember how excited I was by the moment when Sarah acted like an actual human being, dissembling when God asked her if she had laughed? Here's what is wrong with the rest of this book except for that small moment with Sarah. Except for Sarah at that moment, no one acts even remotely like an actual person would behave. There is simply no way these stories are true because people simply do not act the way they do in these stories. I will give you an example in a moment.

The second thing is the claim that God wrote this book. God is an unbelievably bad writer. How does one explain that? Most of the stories in this book would be laughed out of a freshman writing workshop. First, for the reason mentioned above that the stories simply don't ring true. But secondly, they are badly written. The bible is mind-numbingly repetitive. In the passage I read for today, Joseph sends his brothers back to Jacob to get Benjamin. The brothers recount to Jacob everything that happened in Egypt. Jacob relents and send all the brothers back to Joseph. Joseph plants some merchandise in their bags in order to test whether they will sell Benjamin into slavery as they had Joseph. After they are caught and brought back before Joseph, Judah intervenes to plead with Joseph. He repeats the entire story to Joseph, and the text quotes him telling the entire story! We have to read the same story two or three times. Chapter 44 is three times longer than it should be. It would be far more powerful if it were better written.

How can this be if God wrote it? Wouldn't God be by definition the greatest writer humans have ever seen? Wouldn't the bible be like watching both Godfathers and all three Star Wars movies at the same time? (Let's try to forget Episodes 1, 2, and 3 ever happened.) Instead the bible drones on and on, and repeats itself endlessly. It is simply bad writing. Now, coincidentally, the art of writing itself has developed significantly in the last 6000 years. People are simply better at telling stories today than they were 6000 years ago. Isn't it odd that God wrote like they wrote back then? Shouldn't the bible read like Nabakov or Salinger or Joyce or Steinbeck or [fill in your greatest writer here]?

Back to my first complaint, here is an example of how the characters in the bible do not act even remotely as they would in real life. The first time Joseph's brothers went to Egypt, on their way home they discovered that someone had filled their bags with silver. They didn't do it; they knew someone had either tricked them, or made a mistake, or something. They didn't know how the silver got there, it had appeared unbeknownst to them.

So a while later they return to Egypt. (By the way, I'm not saying I'm any brilliant writer, but do you see how much better I can write than God? I SUMMARIZE. I try to FOCUS ON THE IMPORTANT DETAILS! It reminds me of the Steve Martin routine where he talks about the various books he's written. His second book was "The Apple Pie Hubbub." He said, "That book was a real breakthrough for me, because for the first time I used verbs. My writing really livened up after that." God writes like Steve Martin before he started using verbs.

So a while later they return to Egypt. Before they leave, Joseph has his servant once again hide silver in their bags. They leave town, and Joseph has his servant chase after them to accuse them of stealing silver from Joseph again. Now, what would you or anyone else on the planet think at that moment? What would you say? You'd say something like, "Are you kidding me? Someone is playing a trick on us. We swear we didn't steal any silver, but if it's in our bags it's because someone planted it on us again."

Instead Joseph's brothers say, "we swear we didn't steal the silver. If any one of us is found with [Joseph's sacred goblet], he shall die" (Gen. 44:9). Now, you KNOW the silver is there! And they promised to kill themselves if the silver is found! It's simply absurd. Completely unrealistic. No person in the history of the world would behave the way they do in this story. It's okay (mediocre) as a story, because it moves the plot forward. But a chronicle of actual events? Give me a break.

One last thing about what a vicious sadistic monster God is. The narrative of Genesis does sharpen significantly as we move through it. This entire story of Joseph is to set up Israel in Egypt. The brothers selling Joseph to Egypt, him coming to power, Pharaoh inviting all of Israel to live in Egypt, and them coming. All of that, Joseph says, was God's plan. And God specifically promises Jacob, "Do not be afraid to go down to Egypt, for there I will make you a great nation. I will go down with you to Egypt, and I myself will bring you back again without fail." God sets up Israel to go to Egypt, knowing that they will be enslaved! And then when he delivers Israel out of Egypt after wandering in the desert for 40 years, God takes credit for the miracle! And Jews and Christians are grateful to a merciful and gracious God for delivering them from slavery!

It's an enormous, centuries-long case of abused spouse syndrome. The abuser can do no wrong, and any kindness at all from the abuser is seen as a sign that the abuser loves the abused. As I have said before, the question is whether the God character in this book exists is irrelevant, because no one in their right mind would want to have anything to do with him.


--bibletoenail