Thirty-Two Thousand Virgins

“‘Have you spared all the women?’ [Moses] said.  ‘Kill every woman who has had intercourse with a man, but spare for yourselves every woman among them who has not had intercourse.’”  —Num. 31.15, 17–18.

Old Testament

Book Four:  Numbers

Israel in the plains of Moab (cont’d)

Chapter 29:  The sacrificial calendar (cont’d)

Chapter 30:  Vows taken by women

Chapter 31:  Vengeance against the Midianites

Chapter 32:  The distribution of the territory east of the Jordan

It is amazing and wonderful that no matter how far you go in the book, it never gets less insane.  So, God tells Moses to gather an army to go back to Midian to get revenge on what they did to Israel (by having sex with that woman).  (But remember, there’s some confusion whether it was the Midianites, or the Midianites and the Moabites, or the two are used interchangeably.  It’s almost like God says, “Moses, go kill the Moabites!”

Moses:  “Wait, you mean the Midianites?”

God:  “No, I thought it was the Moabite women that Israel was having sex with.”

Moses:  “No, I mean, yeah, it was, but then, remember?  That guy had sex with that Midianite woman in the temple?  Then Phinehas took a spear and stabbed both of them through while they were having sex?”

God:  “Oh Jesus would you shut up?  Moabite, Midianite, who gives a shit?  Just do what I tell you to do.  Gather your army and go attack the Midianites.”

Moses:  “But what about the Moabites?”

God:  “JUST DO IT!”

So they gather their army and destroy the Midianites without losing a single person, then they take the spoils back to Moses, and he is pissed off once again.  (Have you noticed that no one is ever pleased with anything anyone does?)  Moses is mad because they spared the women!  Moses says, no, you have to kill all the women.  Only save the virgins!  So they do, and they count all the spoils, and they ended up with THIRTY-TWO THOUSAND VIRGINS to split among the soldiers!

This is another really good example of how intensely stupid this whole story is.  The entire reason God and Moses are mad at the Midianites in the first place is that they had sex with the Israelites.  So what is the reward for the spoils of battle?  Having sex with the Midianite virgins.

By the way, I love how God keeps reminding Moses that he’ll be dead soon.  “Just deliver these 32,000 virgins to the men, then you can join your father’s kin.”  Okay, God, I get it, a little sensitivity, please.

Chapter 29 is nothing, a long list of repetitive rules about each day of some holiday.

Chapter 30 is interesting.  I can really see how you could make a career out of feminist analysis of the Bible.  This chapter is sort of sexist, but in a way not.  It says that women can make vows to God that are binding.  That seems pretty strong; they’re able to have that relationship, etc.  But if the man of the house (father, husband) hears the vow and repudiates it, then the vow is not binding.  So it’s a strange kind of validation.  On the one hand, women have, it seems to me, some authority, but on the other hand only if backed by their husband, so really not at all.  I don’t really understand the point of this chapter at all.  The notes talk about “Israel’s cultic obligations.”  I just have no idea what that means.  It is reminding me of Muslims trying to outdo each other with their devotion—reading the entire Qur’an during Ramadan, praying five times a day:  “Look at me, I’m more religious than you (na-na-na-boo-boo).”  The impression I have is that the Israelites could make promises like that, to fast or whatever, which God would hold them to.  Or, now that I think about it, it’s probably more like what I have been observing through the whole Old Testament so far—everything for the people in this book is about negotiating with God.  “God, I’ll do this for you if you do this for me.”  This might just be another example of that.  “I’ll fast for a week if you agree to give me a son,” whatever.  So, a woman is allowed to make such a promise, as long as the husband agrees to it when he hears about it.  (I also like the ignorance clause included—if he is not aware what his wife is doing, then he’s not responsible for it.)

Chapter 31 is the story about the hot Midianite virgins.  Chapter 32 is a relatively peaceful, nice story about some sheepherders in the tribe.  Right now the tribes are east of the Jordan River.  (Which I believe is the Eastern border of Canaan.  I think the “West Bank” refers to the west bank of the Jordan river.  In the Bible God promised Israel Canaan, which I believe is all the land between the Jordan River and the Mediterranean Sea.  In modern times, the country of Jordan annexed land west of the Jordan River, which became the “West Bank.”  The reason the West Bank is so hotly contested today is because of this stupid book we’re reading that was written thousands of years ago.  How insanely stupid is this?)  Anyway, there was good grazing on the east bank of the Jordan; some of the tribes wanted to stay there for their sheep.  Moses took exception saying after everything God has done for you, you want to stay here rather than going on across the river with Israel?  So the herders made a deal with Moses, that if there is ever war, the herders will be drafted and fight first—they will be at the head of the invading force.  That’s just a cool, reasonable little story of people acting normally.  (I mean, negotiating deals in a normal way.)

We finish Numbers tomorrow!  I have a feeling Deuteronomy is going to be really boring; hopefully it will get better after that.

—bibletoenail